3 Small Words
Since I’m going to be done with school in May, people have been asking what I’m going to do, and my response to everyone is…”I don’t know.” Three words. Sounds simple enough.
I don’t know.
No se.
Je ne se quios.
But those 2, 3, or 4 words have such a sense of forboding that goes with them.
I have a bunch of options in terms of jobs I can try to apply for:
- Teach
- Research in industry
- Something completely unrelated to chemistry
I also have a lot of places where I can go:
- Mom wants me to move back home and look for jobs in CT near her
- The girls at Yale want me to stay in…well the vicinity of New Haven
- Dad wants me to get a job in DC
- Amy, Suzi, and Bridge want me to go to Boston
- Kat wants me to go back to RI
- Max wants me to go to Portland with him and some friends
The only problem with all of this is that I have absolutely NO IDEA what I want/should do with my life. When I decided to go to grad school I did so because it was expected of me. If you get a B.S. in a field like chemistry, you get a PhD or a Masters. I also did it because as sad as it is, I wanted to stay in school. Not because I particularly like school (which I do some of the time), but because it’s the only way of life I’ve known for the last ohh 18 years of my life. I’ve never not been in school. I don’t know how to be in any other environment other than school. I know this is a part of life that everyone has to go through…the transition from school to a job…but it’s not something I feel ready for yet. I always thought that when I got a job, I’d feel confident in where I was going in life, confident in my education up until that point, confident in the material that I’ve learned over the years. But I don’t feel confident in any of it.
The only part of the end of my time here at Yale that I am looking forward to, is the possibility of going to England for a couple of weeks. There’s something about being in a new place that I love, especially while being in England. I’m not sure what it is about it there that I like so much. Yeah the accents are awesome, but it’s just really great to be in a place with so much history and tradition. I’ve always wanted to “backpack” through Europe. Do the whole “find yourself and what you want from life” kind of thing. Only I can’t go by myself because I’m a girl and tiny, which doesn’t bode well for traveling alone. And it seems like everyone else I know is at a place where they can’t just pack up and leave for a few weeks. People have jobs, school, and responsibilities that they can’t just leave behind. I just can’t help but think that I’m wasting the opportunity of a lifetime, my lifetime. When else will I get this kind of chance to just go? Maybe never. Sigh.
I know what I want out of life…
I want to matter to people. I want whatever I do (be it work or outside activities) to make a difference either in the world or to someone directly. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to be able to watch them grow up and have them not have to deal with some of the things I’ve had to deal with. I want to love and be in love with someone and have them feel the same way about me. I don’t want to end up like my parents did. I don’t want my kids, if I have them, to have to deal with their parents getting divorced. I want to see and experience the world…not just tourist destinations and beaches…but other countries, other cultures, meet people from all walks of life. Most of all, I want to be able to go to sleep at night, and be happy with the life I’ve had, the things I’ve experienced, and the choices I’ve made.
I want a lot, I know that. I won’t be able to have it all, I know that too. But I want to try. I want my life to be seeking to reach those goals.
I know what I want, I just don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to start. I don’t know what decisions to make to get there. I don’t know whether the things that I want now will matter to me 5, 10, 15 years. I don’t know if I’m heading for success or failure. I don’t know if any of it really matters.
I just don’t know.